News of My Views

What do *you* think?

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The ONE DOLLAR ESSAY - but first some unimportant news

Well, I'm glad that we can leave the pie issue alone for the time being. Not that it's settled or anything (insidious fallacies like "pumpkin pie tastes good" take a long time to die); I'm just saying that I think we've all agreed to disagree.

In other news, I think Woot's item was particularly craptastic today--and I don't mean that in a good way. I have to admit that the concept of a spy camera hidden in a remote control car is pretty cool. If you're going to do this, however, the car probably shouldn't say "SPY CAMERA!" on the sides in big yellow letters. But, we probably should defer to the marketing genius of the guys over at Nikko. They are getting paid for this, you know. Or maybe they aren't. Who's going to buy it for $180.00?

Also, I've started another blog for people who enjoy writing humor. I'm calling it "One Dollar Essay" and you can find it at ""

I got the idea after I wrote the essay you can see two posts below this one. Here's how it's going to work:

1. On the first of the month, I'll post a question.
2. Writers answer the question in essay form (I don't care how long it is, but it should be somewhere between 100-1000 words) as comments on the "question" posting.
3. A second post on the first of the month is for any comments on the question itself, comments on the writer's or others' essays, my own comments, etc.
4. At the end of the month I'll decide which essay is best (unbiased, of course) and write another post declaring the winner.
5. The winner gets the "One Dollar Bill of Honor" for that month, which will be a real dollar bill infused with authentic honor. If I can't find any authentic honor, I'll have an up-and-coming, young and talented artist draw or paint on the bill.

I'd like a lot of people to participate, because that will make it more challenging and more fun.

So, tell everyone you know who's a writer.

Friday, November 26, 2004

The Great Pie Debate

Well, it looks like not everyone agrees with my fair and equitable thesis on a foul and loathesome food item. (See comments on my previous post.) I am particularly hurt by the fact that pecan pie was slandered, a dessert I consider full of carmelly goodness.

Well, the subject is pumpkin vs. pecan pie. What do you think?

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Pumpkin pie has caused indescribable harm to our society (here's why)

My friend sent me an e-mail recently asking why I don't like pumpkin pie. I had some time on my hands so this was my answer.

Dear Melissa,

Why do I not like pumpkin pie? Well, it's partly the way in looks, somewhat the concept, but mostly the way it tastes. I mean, it really doesn't taste very good, when you think about it. But if you really want to know why I don't like pumpkin pie, here's the scoop. I hope you have a few minutes.

Some Pilgrims were out with their new Native American friends one day in the fields when they saw their first pumpkin. They pointed to it and said, "What the hell is that?" The Native Americans told them that it was this stupid gourd that grew all over the place which was pretty much useless. The Pilgrims, being religious and all, believed that God wouldn't put a living thing on the Earth without a purpose. Despite evidence to the contrary, such as the duck-billed platypus and French Canadians, the Pilgrims held fast to their beliefs and went ahead making use of the new bounty. They found the pumpkin could not be turned into an item of clothing, such as the fiber of the cotton plant or the hair of the sheep. They found they could not make it into a stationary product, such as wood pulp or sheep skin. So when they ran out of other ideas, they decided to turn it into a food item such as sheep. The Native Americans tried to point out that a ripe pumpkin contains virtually no nutrients and has almost no glucose. Thus, in addition to not giving your body sustenance, it tastes like ass. This did not sway the stalwort Pilgrims. They decided to chop the horrible non-food up and mix it with lots and lots of spices and sugar. Again, the Native Americans tried to point out the folly of this action, stating that such a dish would only give further support to the burgeoning spice and sugar trade that eventually brought thousands of black slaves to the American colonies. The Native Americans also pointed out that the spices could go to better uses, such as preserving food or creating vital medicines for the sick. The Pilgrims, however, were a stalwart people and were firm in their resolve to see this thing through to the end. While their children's immune systems began breaking down from malnutrition and disease, the Pilgrim mothers gathered all the pumpkins they could find and began chopping the wooden non-food into slices. They then baked the leathery strips of gourd for approximately one and a half hours. They found that the orange vine-weed would not begin to resemble food until heated for this time. (Think: seeds of future energy crisis.) After scooping the now quasi-food-substance from its shell, they mixed it with the aforementioned treasures and beat the mash into submission. The off-yellow goo was then placed in confectionary crusts and heated again. Although the Pilgrim's livestock avoided the new creation (and gave Jebediah Citranella an idea for their mosquito problem) the Pilgrim wives and mothers began insisting their families eat the "pie". Although the Pilgrim husbands and children didn't want to, the Pilgrim wives and mothers insisted they used up all the other food in making the dish. Thus while many of the Pilgrims began to languish and die (and spread their diseases to the native population, eradicating a once-great culture) certain Pilgrims built up an immunity to the weed-food. These pioneers were found to be able to survive anything after eating what they dubbed "pumpkin pie". (It is said that in certain native societies, the "eating of the gelatinous orange non-food" is a rite of manhood and a proof of fertility.) Like all parents, the Pilgrims wanted to pass their creation on to future generations, in the age-old act of "showing you what it was like when I was your age." As the origins of many of our customs have become lost over time, however, we have forgotten where pumpkin pie actually came from and all the evils it has actually inflicted upon the world.

I don't ask for much though. All I want is that the next time you try to dress it up with whipped cream or swallow it down with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, that you just remember where pumpkin pie came from, and all of the lives it has hurt. If I can save one child from a life of eating gourds for dessert, I'll know I have not lived in vain.

Hello World

This is a historic moment. My first posting on my very own blog. I wonder if anyone will ever read this....